Friday, June 17, 2016

SAHM: Thankless Endeavor (For me )

Being a Stay at Home Mother (SAHM) was not a choice. But it happened as I am not allowed to work due to the Visa limitations in this country. I might have chosen to be a SAHM after the birth of V. May be?! Who knows.

Being a SAHM is very taxing to my brain. I am always planning. I am planning what to cook, when to eat, what to buy, when to clean, when to wash, when to vacuum, when to feed, when to give him a bath, when to put him to sleep, when to wake him up, when to play, what to play, what to watch, when to poop and what not. Every step I take my mind is running, so that I know the next second would be comfortable for the little one or his dad. All these things get done in a routine of its own through multi-tasking.

Prepping is an important part of motherhood. I make my cutting, chopping, soaking, cleaning etc in advance so that I need not do the taxing-my-brain part, I mentioned earlier. But this  involves thinking. I have what is called a mommy brain, where in I forget important stuffs, but not the silly things. Every time I sit to eat, V either drops his food, bumps his head, falls down or wants to poop or invariably wants to have what I am having and finds it spicy and there I go washing his hand , mouth and face. Cutting my finger and burning my hand, having headaches and forgetting something important is a common thing which I learnt to forgive myself for.

Me time is a fantasy. I sit with my phone in the bathroom, not with any purpose. There has to be a knock asking me where something is or 'Amma, please come out and play'. My baths are 3 minutes, Its not a joke. If i take more then that, it means V is sleeping and I want a break.  I have always felt being sick, can be draining. No! Have you had a sick child? Nothing more weary then that. Irony is I am sad that he is not his running, happy, never-tired kid. Moms life :)

In between all this, where am I appreciated? Where are my needs met? Where are my compromises respected or made note of? Where is my sickness afforded? Its like how in an office when you are always regular no one notices, but 2 days you are late or leave early, everyone frowns. I did that. I have taken a holiday of sorts, when i did not even make my bed or keep the cup away. But it was just too much work the next day, so eventually I stopped.

Yeah! Sometimes I become that needy nagging woman, when I am ready to breakdown. I seriously keep my mom-crown to the side and let go. But the perfectionist in me starts to workout again and I take the ride...


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