Friday, June 17, 2016

SAHM: Thankless Endeavor (For me )

Being a Stay at Home Mother (SAHM) was not a choice. But it happened as I am not allowed to work due to the Visa limitations in this country. I might have chosen to be a SAHM after the birth of V. May be?! Who knows.

Being a SAHM is very taxing to my brain. I am always planning. I am planning what to cook, when to eat, what to buy, when to clean, when to wash, when to vacuum, when to feed, when to give him a bath, when to put him to sleep, when to wake him up, when to play, what to play, what to watch, when to poop and what not. Every step I take my mind is running, so that I know the next second would be comfortable for the little one or his dad. All these things get done in a routine of its own through multi-tasking.

Prepping is an important part of motherhood. I make my cutting, chopping, soaking, cleaning etc in advance so that I need not do the taxing-my-brain part, I mentioned earlier. But this  involves thinking. I have what is called a mommy brain, where in I forget important stuffs, but not the silly things. Every time I sit to eat, V either drops his food, bumps his head, falls down or wants to poop or invariably wants to have what I am having and finds it spicy and there I go washing his hand , mouth and face. Cutting my finger and burning my hand, having headaches and forgetting something important is a common thing which I learnt to forgive myself for.

Me time is a fantasy. I sit with my phone in the bathroom, not with any purpose. There has to be a knock asking me where something is or 'Amma, please come out and play'. My baths are 3 minutes, Its not a joke. If i take more then that, it means V is sleeping and I want a break.  I have always felt being sick, can be draining. No! Have you had a sick child? Nothing more weary then that. Irony is I am sad that he is not his running, happy, never-tired kid. Moms life :)

In between all this, where am I appreciated? Where are my needs met? Where are my compromises respected or made note of? Where is my sickness afforded? Its like how in an office when you are always regular no one notices, but 2 days you are late or leave early, everyone frowns. I did that. I have taken a holiday of sorts, when i did not even make my bed or keep the cup away. But it was just too much work the next day, so eventually I stopped.

Yeah! Sometimes I become that needy nagging woman, when I am ready to breakdown. I seriously keep my mom-crown to the side and let go. But the perfectionist in me starts to workout again and I take the ride...


Sunday, May 8, 2016

Jacobite Swargarajyam - Review of sorts

Many people had told me JSR is a beautiful movie. It's not a comedy movie but still a feel-good worth a watch one. We have been watching quite a few movies in theatre of late and the movie had been running for two weeks, so we went in. This movie began with Dubai sand dunes which itself took me back to my Dubai Days.

We had been in Dubai for 6 years. My high school education till tenth in Indian High School and staying near clock tower, Deira. My father was working in the Indian Counsulate so we know a bit more about the Indians in Gulf. 

My Achan is notorious for sleeping through movies and going out in the pretext of phone call and not coming back as the movies never entertained him or were too violent or loud for his taste. But this movie, when I called him, his phone was switched off and he mentioned to Amma that we should go for this movie, again. That's a big achievement for this movie, in my eyes.

The whole movie- the dialogues, the family interaction, the places, the school, the in roads, desert rides, the Etisalat, the Trade Center etc bought in memories and made my eyes misty. I never felt this movie was our story as Vineeth accurately points out it is Greg's story. But I have seen many people in similar situation, duped for no mistake of theirs, their passports (only possesion) being taken away, put in jail etc and their relatives or friends crying for help during the Amnesty. That's when we knew what Dubai also is. 

When my relatives and friends come back from Gulf with suitcases full of perfumes, electronic goods, dresses, sarees, pencils, toys etc, I realize it cost them every sweat to fill it with love and surprises for their loved one. The way they toil day and night for that one money order to be sent home. 

This story is an inspiration for many. How in a make or break situation we can take the threads in our own hands and chose to make something out of it. The values and ideals instilled by Jacob and Shirley, were the forces behind all his children's actions. Every time Jerry thought he is down, it was his mother's confidence that made him chose wisely. I never wished I had parents like them, as I am proud that my parents are also like them as we have been in similar situations like this . Parents are made of different materials, I must say.

Family and relationship is the ultimate possession. This movie has successfully helped me think about it and realize it. The actors were all to the mark. Shaan Rehman helped in emoting with songs and awesome lyrics, cinematography by Jomon T John was a feast to eyes, the sub-titles were to the mark, kudos Vivek Ranjith, though I felt Arabic translation would have been good too (Though the acting was translation enough) and last but not the least Vineeth Sreenivasan, you were successful in dedicating this story to the world. On a different note it also made me think, Dufai pazhye Dubai alla😃


Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Vedu Chronicles - Little Helper

Organizing and cleaning my home and room has been my forte. A cluttered room causes unrest in me. But that does not mean my home or room is always clean.

With V's birth I realized how messy a home can get, how busy I can be and how finicky I am about clean home. Till he was two there were two things I could not come to terms with- I will not be getting my 7-8 hrs undisturbed sleep and a clean home for 1 hr. The interrupted meals due to baby crying, eating, shitting etc are just bonus. But the first too were just too much. It's only after his 2nd birthday I realized that not accepting and coming to terms with it were causing too much stress in me. 

It began fun with this toddler helping in folding clothes, mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming , chopping veggies, stirring pots and pans, emptying dish washer ! These two little legs and hands became busy body trying to impress me. It was fun to sit back and see him following the routine which he unconsciously was observing me.

For instance last night I was washing utensils and this little one wanted me to read him the night time book. I told him 10 minutes and he went away. He comes back with the broom and starts sweeping the kitchen floor, emptying the dust pan and getting his water bottle for a refill. He did not do anything the way I wanted to but the very thought he put behind it filled me up with joy.

The one thought which has always crossed my mind is to make V realize that there is no women chores and men chores. He has seen that at home so I am sure this will not be a daunting task for me to carry. My acha has always helped Amma in his little ways and same with R during weekends when he is home he does his share. The enlisting of chores at home made sense in olden ages with men were out working and ladies stayed back home. Now when both of them are working whether at home or out there, this nullifies the division of work. 

I witnessed this situation at a person's home, when a boy wants to help and mother does not give him any job but the sister is asked to sweep the verandah. And Aunty told me, "He is a boy." I was stunned. That does not make him any special as both of them were studying for their exams. Just like how they ask does the girl know to cook, why not ask the same question in reverse? Does she know to take care of home? Does he know too?


(I don't edit my post after writing :) So forgive me for the errors I did not intend on making.)

Friday, April 29, 2016

Musings-Part 3

There are times when I have been brimming with thoughts and words. But homework, time and situation does not let me switch on the laptop and pen it down. Thats when I make use of my 'Notes' section in the phone and pen the words. Is this how the right side of the brain works? I have no idea, but I love the whole process. Have been penning them since over a year. I watch it and revel in the outcome.

(Once I pen, I don't read it again hence the errors)

Learning is not as difficult as unlearning . There are times when I look back and I thought 'Ah forgetting is so easy!', and I could not be more wrong. We learn and repeat the things unconsciously or consciously in our mind and it is every hit the nail gets from the hammer. When you remove the nail after long one is so sure that the hole the nail made will remain until it's filled with the same material as before or till the wall is pulled down.

Being creative can be fun and a process for a person. I want to think of myself here. Being creative is tedious. That is why it is said that being with a creative person is like being with an 'emotional fool'. It's a stifling process to be in a bottle and the more you close the fist on it, the more dead one feels. End result of creativity is satisfaction and not necessarily appreciation. 'I am satisfied' feeling gives life to it and in order to continue  the same enthusiasm one has to feel, 'Not yet done. There is more.' This keeps her going. There are times when things get repetitive and one sits back and waits in meditation for it to flow. It's fun to watch lyrics, music, art etc flow and one stays on the bank watching it in 'Awe'. Yeah that is the 'gift' ....


Saturday, December 26, 2015

Charlie, Malayalam Movie

Watching a movie, till 2009, was just for the story, songs, comedy and the actors. It was never for anything else. I took triple main with specialization in Journalism, Psychology and English Literature and world around rolled for the better. It began with 'No Mans Land' in the Journalism Studio and the discussion which followed the same. Fr Richard Rego helped us in developing an eye for details in movie-making. He passed his passion on to many of us and we still carry it around. Prof Lourdswamy, English Professor taught us to visualise symbolism, romanticism and poetry even in the most boring context. Ms Shalini Aiyappa made us thing of the humane emotions and circumstances in the way we may not have thought of before. Hence, watching a movie is a wholesome experience, at least for me. A movie which does not click for my friends and family or the box office, clicks for me. Same thing happened with Charlie.

Watched Malayalam Movie Charlie directed by Martin Prakkat. Story by Unni R & Martin Prakkat with cinematography by Joemon T John. The story is unique in its own way. The Art work and cinematography by Joemon makes one smile through the scenes. The characters portrayed by Charlie (Dulquar Salman) and Tessa (Parvathy) are elements which adds to the story. There is no extra screen presence, as every character who comes and goes is indispensable for the story to continue. There is a Charlie and Tessa in me, which made me live that life for few hours. After long watched a movie which made me smile after the movie. Theatre viewing adds to the experience :)

Its interesting to see the experimentation in the storyline, cinematography and characterization of late in Malayalam Cinema. More and more non-malyalaees are viewing Malayalam Cinema in theaters which was not so before. Malaylam movies were known for real-life emotional drama and watched by film-festival goers. The mass-media, sub-titles, songs, actors have widened horizons to include global audience. Am glad this happened! Better late than never.


Wednesday, September 23, 2015


Am not sure if it has happened with you all. Something goes wrong in the situation, you are not responsible for it. The person responsible for it realizes it and blames you, till it sounds like the truth. The whole clan surrounding this event supports him and his narrow views. You keep staring at him thinking, "What just happened?"

This person I mentioned is a family member whose family is being helped by many others to bring to the stage where they are now. The job he has is also a blessing of another relative. Not being thankful is okey, but forgetting what has been given and talking third-rated language to elders, thinking that he has his friends and like-minded people with him (BTW they never helped him or his family) is not fair to the people. Fun part is everyone knows it and no one wants to talk about it thinking of the adversities the elders in the family has to suffer. I have been advised the same too. But this rant has been brewing for a while and it had to be out.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Rains, Tea, Routine and Little star...

With the rain comes this innate desire to sip a hot cup of tea. Yes! Its raining heavily with the company of thunder and lightning. I love it when the brightness in nature dips giving us a forecast of heavy rains on its way. A tea-addict that I am, what more does one need. Ambience is set. Vedanth is busy rowing his make-shift boat of a diaper carton and having a whale of a time. I love it when he plays on his own, not only does it give me time to finish off my chores or just sit, but it also blossoms his creativity whole bound. He talks to his imaginary friends and includes all the people who has been mentioned or been in his life. The moment he sees me, then it goes, boom!

Having a toddler running around is one thing which keeps me in the moment and yet my mind goes like a planner. I have to accept that it indeed is tiring as Vedanth is yet to sleep through the night and wakes up like the Sun. He better continue this to his schooling days :) The waking up I meant. And then making bed, listening to him talk-talk, brushing my teeth first so that he has time to observe me doing it, so it becomes less war-ish to brush his, and getting the breakfast ready, having it, cleaning the area, skyping back home and then is when Mr Vedanth begins his play. I go on to chat with amma, prepare a cup of tea and listen to her, watch her cook, or exchange the gossips of the day... then I start cooking, with tips and tweaks from her and she goes off to sleep. Then chat with either my sister, other family or friends back in India. It is funny how a conversation can decide the mood of the day.  Mornings I am on India timings.

Evenings are kind of laid back. This is the time when I do my spiritual practice, which may be a 10 min meditation or a 40 min (Sudarshan Kriya and some yoga). These minutes are properly overseen by my busy toddler, who find his mother more lovely, then other times, as I am showered with kisses, hugs and calls of Amma! Amma! until I open my eyes and look at him and smile :) Hey! Atleast something is better than nothing ... Thats my policy. This has helped me put a check on my temper, energized my system and have a jolly day in totality. I try to squeeze in reading too in-between all this, as I love reading and don't want to loose touch with it ...

So now over to my son, who has moved on to Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star :)